Woah

To my skinny love,

2012-01-15T01:03:00.000-08:00

I wrote this in late September last year, (woah, it's been almost four months.) and I don't think I have ever written anything more sincere in my entire life. I found this saved as a draft and man, it brought flushes of the extreme variety. Lord knows I might be a little bit stupid, bringing this out now, but when you told me those things, it made me feel so at peace. It made me sad, but it put some of the ghosts in my heart to rest. I never once considered the possibility that you'd be hurting too. at the end of the day, after everything, all I ever wanted was a little piece of you, and now I feel like I have it. it's not much, but it's enough. Maybe you need a little bit too, I don't know. But where I am now, I can truly say that I mean what I said to you 5 months ago. Even if I knew that things were going to turn out like this, I would have done it all over again. I hope you see this, and I hope you don't. But god, please let this be the last goodbye, I don't want to have to go through all this again.

[Written on September 25th, 2011]

MY FEELINGS;
I just want to capture this before it’s gone forever. I really like the way you reach over and touch my cheek to ask me if I’m okay when ive been a little quiet. How your face lights up when you find me in the crowd and the way play with my hands. I like, your hand tuts and your little penguin walk, your weird fingers and chapped lips. I like you, a lot. And I’m grateful that I had the pleasure of liking you so much. Even though it made the ache so much deeper, i love the way you mad me feel. So, thank you. Goodbye.

2012-01-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

2011 Resolutions

Accomplished

1) Stick with whatever stream I choose, no dropping out halfway, no matter how tough or impossible it might seem

2) Get a job during the year end holidays

4) Sing with HYC through MSSD and every other competition I'm chosen for

5) Make sure Unggul Marchers win again.

6) Bake something from scratch

7) Protect Smithers with life, make sure he survives the year

8) Make at least 10 new friends

9) Write as much as often as possible, and submit something somewhere, anywhere.

11) Meet the One person Mark

12) Mark on the scale should never tip past 60

Unfinished

3) Make it to MSSS (at least!)

10) Keep the nose bond strong, at least one reunion. (the fact that this is in this category makes me so sad)

13) Perform when the occasion arises

Open-Ended and Uncertain
14) Be me but you know, a better me.

The works

2012-01-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

Leading up to the dreaded day itself, I actually thought that I'd gotten over the entire new years anxiety that's lingered on. Thought that maybe I had finally outgrown it. But then as we walked into the crowds that had gathered for the countdown, it came. People sprayed snow foam everywhere and Jin was laughing next to me, my lungs seized up and my stomach gave in. I wanted to throw up. It felt like the crowds were closing in. Then the sky caught fire. Everyone's heads automatically turned upwards, flames reflected on their eyes. It was so awful. I searched the crowd, not knowing what the hell I was looking for. Slowly resigning to tilt my head up and giving in to the lights, my heart breaking with every single explosion.

I will never understand why this overturn does this to me. It makes me impulsive, agitated and so empty all at the same time. I want nothing more than to run away from this godforsaken year, but standing face to face with the finish line is just too terrifying. And it just serves as a reminder that I was right back then, that I'd hardly remember how it was like for him to exist. It's only been one year and everything has been lost, I can't even bring begin to phantom the comfort that came with staring into his big brown eyes. What will I have left by next year? A few photos? A voice note about the fact that i loved him, though I'll never get to feel it again. It's just depressing.

Night induced madness

2011-12-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

If my life was a musical, it probably wouldn't be allowed to show in Malaysia cause it'd be too violent. My best friend is tone deaf can't keep in time to save her life, so when we sing our touching duet about our love for each other's inability to love id probably get so angry by the fact that she keeps coming in early and can't stay in pitch that I'd punch her head in. And then there'd I'd start a slow moving song about internal conflict or something and set someone's (coughcough) house on fire. Then the credits will roll while showing me starting my new life as a traveling hippie, walking in time to some switch foot song.

I'd watch that.

Self-reflection

2011-12-23T04:43:00.001-08:00

There will come a time when you'll see.
That love won't break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

--

I know myself. I've discovered my virtues (quite shamelessly) and I've met my shortcomings.
I know that I talk to loud and that I think too much. I have a horrible temper and tend to be quite the asshole. These are the things that will never change.

But there have been things about me that have changed, quite a lot in fact. All somehow twisted and crammed into the past year. Ive realized that there is beauty in subtlety, that more is not always better. And I'm starting to see things from othe people's shoes now, which has constricted me to constant guilt and an extremely annoying inability to blame anyone. It's like I've paralyzed myself from being able to see from all points of views, a good healthy verbal smack down always halted by "I actually understand how she feels.." I have not yet decided if this is a good or bad thing. I will get back to you on that.

But I think, most importantly, I've learned that when it comes to the things that mean a lot to you, it's never black and white. There are so many grey areas. I've spent my life building conclusions and decisions and principles upon each other, absorbing it from all around me. I was so sure that my foundations were right, and I promised myself that I would never break them. That the right person wouldn't make me break them anyway. But that's not how things work. This year someone came into my life and he turned all my big ideas inside out. He made me doubt myself and he messed my mind up, he made me hate myself a little bit for having forsaken my ego, but he also taught me that you can't go into the world with this stubborn idea of how things "should be". The thing is, that it was probably my stubbornness and wanting to do everything according to how I thought they should be that resulted in his abrupt departure from my life. Real life is messed up and it might mean you have to just let go of well, everything. And just go with it. And another thing I've always known, but have only truly felt the magnitude and weight of it recently, is that everyone is as flawed as you are. And yes, things have changed alot, and i have to say that I'm quite happy he's not in my life anymore. He is the only person who i can hate on without feeling an ounce of guilt. Although I have a lot of harbored disdain for this person (if I haven't made that obvious enough) I guess I have to thank him, in some way.

So thank you, pig whore. This thank you is by no means filled with sarcasm and hatred.

--

So stop thinking so much. Stop trying to come up with reasonings and solutions. The doctor prescribes a clear mind and a cup of tea, then the answers will start to come.

I hope you all are well (except for you stupid pigwhore) i hope you all have a fairy light and eggnog filled Christmas.

Dreams and Jelly Beans

2011-12-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

My dream guy :

I feel uncomfortable talking about this.
There are all these things on the Internet, "my perfect guy will ditch his best friends to be with his girl, give me his favorite shirt, tell me that the only girl who he will love after me is our daughter" and many, many other rather creepyly detailed fantasies of the teenage female. Although I have to admit I get a little soft sometimes and think, oh. That would be nice. I don't really want to set that kind of boundaries. All these over the top romantic, totally weightless words. They taste bland.

~~My dream guy~~.
My guy.
I don't think I know him yet. But this is the guy that's going to flip me inside out. Spin my head in circles and do all the other things you read about in those horrible chick lits. We'll probably fight a lot. He'll make me cry and I'll say awful things to him and its not going to be pretty. But he'll be the one that, for the first time in the world, actually makes me feel like all that is worth it. He'll make me forsake my ego. He'll be the one I use the L-word to without feeling queasy inside. And I have a horrible feeling he's going to be shorter than me. But most importantly, he will love me (ew) and I will love him (EW) and that's all that really matters. (EWW.) I can't wait to meet him.

nostalgia

2011-12-16T03:28:00.000-08:00

Nightfall is the busiest time for brain activity. Reflection, analysis, conclusions. Whenever I find my thoughts clogging up and a sleepless night threatens to loom, all I have to do is put a freeze to all the chattering voices in my mind, and play my sleepy song in my head. Tinkering piano keys in the first few bars, my muscles unclench and the voices fall to rest. This song is from some anime soundtrack that my friend gave to me when I was 11, and I lost it when my old MP3 player died. Ever since then I've been searching for this song everywhere, adding comments on youtube in hope that someone would be able to come up with a lead for me, but I've come to no avail. So it's been about 4 years of playing this song in my head when I'm huddled up in my blankets and desperate for a bit of sleep. Jumping from section to section awkwardly to compensate for the bridges that have been lost in my memory. A huge portion of the foreign Japanese words exchanged with mmm and aaaahs. The dreamy strings and the bass undertone that somehow always managed to help me fall asleep.

And today, I was tidying up all my files and folders on my computer, getting rid of old unwanted junk, when I came across a file called "Weiann's Musix lol XD" (i am embracing my younger asian stereotype) and I found it, I found my sleepy song. It felt weird listening to it after years of only being able to play it over in my head, and there were some noted differences. The vocals of the version I played in my head was always darker, and there was an entire section that I'd forgotten. But it was my sleepy song. I don't know why I'm so happy, but I do know that I'll be sleeping well tonight

All we have?

2011-12-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am, terrified.

It's staring at me right in the face. The actual last year of high school. I never thought I'd actually get here. I can already see it flashing by, all the last minute panic attacks and sleepless nights spent worrying about that one huge, huge life changing exam. It's going to come, and it's going to go, and before I know it I'll be leaving.

I don't know whats bringing this sudden fear. Maybe it's the fact that I'm doing research on the different colleges and the different courses and I realize how completely clueless I am about it all. The fact that I watched High School Musical 3 for the gazillionth time yesterday is probably a contributing factor too. And this time I really felt the misdirection, the cluelessness. The wanting time to slow down to a stop. I can only imagine how hard I'll cry when I watch this show before I graduate next year, sitting in a melodramtically dark room by myself, tears streaming down my cheeks while I whisper with Troy Bolton "But most of all, I choose the person that inspires my heart. That's why I picked a school that's exactly 32.7 miles... away from you" It must be nice to be anchored to someone like that.

It might seem like a little bit of an overkill, getting the mean reds before I've even taken a step into form 5 yet. But I already know what's going to happen, it's going to come, and it's going to go, and before I know it I'll be gone. High school is like this little bubble where it's okay to have stupid problems and whine about our first world troubles. We're growing up, and we're doing it together. And when I leave it, some one is going to take over my seat in class, the teachers are going to forget that they hate me, and I'll be reduced to nothing but one of the thousand scribbles left on the bio lab table. But that's how the world works. And I find that I'm okay with that. I don't need to feel immortalised, to have people remember me long after I'm gone. I just don't want my time here to be over before I'm satisfied.
When I think about my four years here, all the things that once constructed my entire world now seems so insignificant now that I'm looking back on it. But I remember the friends, the laughs, the times where we cried together like sad pathetic gits, the hot days spent wanting nothing more than to go home. It was so perfect. This was the place that built me. I've learned everything I know from this place, and I feel so completely at home. I always hear tales of conflict and drama from other schools, but I've never really felt that here. So many faces that I don't know the names of, passed by wordlessly. but there's this bond there, a nod of acknowledgement, the mutual pride of being a DJ-ian.

I still have one more year. One more year to hate on the juniors without any valid reason, one more year to forge ties, one more year to be so blissfully ignorant about real life, one more year to be a kid. And god damn it I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of next year. Be it time spent lazing around in the pavillion, running around in ugly ass jerseys around the field, or sleeping in class post-4-hour-laughing session. Any time you enjoyed wasting is not time wasted. But I doubt if I'll ever be able to say goodbye to this old place. I guess my heart just doesn't know it's in high school. (IM SORRY, DISNEY MOVIES DO THIS TO ME.)

Substance

2011-12-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

Life's Simple Joys #1

finding outdated foreign fashion magazines on sale at 2 for a fiver.

Brought to you by a falling bomb

2011-12-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

In light of recent events, I have been advised to channel all my anger and frustration into song writing. So here is my latest creation.

You are a monkey slut (and also a pig whore)

Something you should know,
I thought I should say,
I dreamt of burning down your house today.

*angry guitar riff*

Are you crying now?
Fingers all-a-pointing,
You turned out to be so dissappointing.

*angry guitar riff 2*

YOU'RE A MONKEY SLUT, AND A PIG WHORE TOO
I'D GIVE THE WORLD TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
NONE OF THE VANITIES, YOU ARE A TWAT
A MONKEY SLUT, A PIG WHORE AS A MATTER OF FACT

MONKEY SLUTTTTT
PIG WHOREEEEEE
I HOPE YOU FUCKING CHOKEEEE

-end-

(it's a work in progress)

2011-11-23T20:06:00.001-08:00

“By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying —-
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.”

— Dorothy Parker

Mind Games

2011-11-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

Open up my head and you will find:

Mindless music, the quavers tangled with the dotted half notes and how good the f minor to f chord progression sounds, guitar strings and semi tones that rock with the one-two-three one-two-three waltz beat blending, sliding into place below the harmonies and, tingles with vibrato.

Pretty words that float hollow, melodramatic even to my own ears. Sudden philosophies and conclusions I tell myself to remember, that quickly fade to join the other million "life-changing epiphanies" my silly thoughts have conjured up, "in three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." Robert Lee Frost. in the end, I am a writer and a reader, and I always will be.

"CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT WEAR A CONDOM BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PROTECTION FROM CHUCK NORRIS."

Also to be found, worn out memories that have been stretched to the limit, the colors faded and the voices white noise in the background. Plucked out individually from the masses to be re-examined and obsessed over in hope that overstimulation will trigger something more from it- it never does. All that is left is the faint image of something that no longer exists and myself being extremely sentimental. Sometimes they attack you when you least expect it and messes up your head. Its bloody rude actually. Something that seemed so insignificant then now bears the weight of sentimental value.

Everything looks better in hindsight. The past is as useless as the future.

Falling

2011-11-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

Please, please tell me you know,
I've got to let you go.
I can't help falling
Out of love with you.

Poison and wine.

2011-11-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

Someday, I'm going to look back on all this and laugh.

#6 take things in your stride, don't let them bury you.

2011-11-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

dammit these stupid ass movies always get me.

one,two,three,

2011-11-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

To leave behind, or to be left behind. Which is harder?

someone asked me this ages and ages and ages ago. I remember thinking "this is a stupid question. of course being left behind is more painful" But now that I think about it, I'm wrapping myself around the weird notions and starting to see how being the one who leaves might just be harder.

If you're the one who's left behind, you have someone to blame it on. You can cry and you can curse and be sad but there is a sort of finality in that sadness. You were left behind, there's no going back to what once was. And I have to say that having all that taken away so suddenly is what somehow makes it easier to never look back. But those heart-wrenching thoughts of what-if and maybes will haunt the one who leaves it all behind. Call it giving in, call it being strong enough to walk away, you will be taking a lifetime of chances away with you. No matter how sure you are of your decision there will be those days when you're alone with nothing but your own thoughts and you will wonder if you made the right decision. And when you look back on all the faded memories everything just seems so much more fragile and sacred and you start to question yourself. And you will start wondering about the future that would have been there if you hadn't so hastily uprooted it.

So here's the ironic thing, the one who leaves behind leaves the left behind with the tears and the pain, but eventually all that angst and sadness of being the one that was abandoned on the edge, it will dry up. It will. No matter how deeply etched into your being it might feel at the time, it will dry up. There's just not enough resources in the human soul to be able to pity yourself and whine all the time. But the hauntings of those sleepy afternoons and the ghost kisses will haunt the mind of the person who left long after the strains wear from the heart.

Anyway.
It's time to clear the baggage from the past, time to get rid of blablablas that have no business to be in my life anymore. No more getting upset over fickle little cheap shots, there's honestly no point. People will think what they want to think and opinions will conflict and tensions will rise, but I'm sick of being caught in this warfire that I never agreed to be a part of.

Horizon

2011-11-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

Things I did today:

I laid on the wooden bench, face tilted skywards. Told myself to memorize this moment, the blue of the swimming pool and the stench of chlorine. Felt oddly comfortable. Traced the line where the earth met the sky. felt like some character from a Rachael Yamagata song, getting all sentimental about the horizon. Instantly felt stupid about having though that. Mumbled whispered lyrics of long loved songs, out of luck and out of tune. thought about a certain boy. Promised myself that I wouldnt think about him. Broke that promise a few moments later (damn those McFly songs he somehow snuck onto my IPod) Laughed at myself out loud. Received weird glances from passer-bys in unsuitably tight swimwear. Smiled as I realized that I don't mind thinking about him at all, it didn't make me feel heavy anymore. Promised myself that I was going to remember this liberation. Felt wise. Immediately felt silly again.

Felt rather at peace.

2011-11-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

this guy is the exception to the I hate children rule

a long, long time.

2011-10-28T06:40:00.001-07:00

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”

Lemony Snicket

sun kissed,

2011-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

“I never promised you a happy ending.

You never said that you wouldn’t make me cry

But summer love will keep us warm,

Long after our autumn goodbye.”

-

alas, what would summer love be if it lasted beyond the heat?

coded.

2011-10-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Basically, we are all the same. When we learn about the human body in Biology, they explain the human being as a general organism. The same bones, the same nerves, the same everything. Our brains are made up of the same kind of matter, serving the same purposes. In accordance to that, is there any logical explanation to why people's minds can be wired so differently? Sometimes these thoughts so completely different from my own fascinate me, sometimes they disgust me. How is it possible that our understandings of the world are total opposites? But ultimately I can am able to make sense of it all to myself and come to an understanding of how they can think like that, regardless of how different it might be.

When I meet someone new, I tend to ask them lots of random and seemingly irrelevant questions. It helps me gauge who this person is, and helps me understand them. But there have been times when I come across a person who's mind just doesn't make sense to me, and I don't know if I should be intrigued or terrified. Most of the time it's a weird combination of both. In my 16 years, I have met a grand total of 3 people that fall into this category. They are in no way bad, but I am extremely wary of them because I just can't understand them, and you never know what they might do next, which scares me. But right now, I think I might need them.

#5 sometimes, it's better to just accept that there is nothing more that you can do.

Things I want myself to remember;

2011-10-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

1. Cherish every moment. As cliched as this may sound, it's true. You will look back and wonder how it is that you were ever there.

2. It is always easier to do something when it is for someone you love.

3. Never take for granted the joy of doing absolutely nothing.

4. It is a blessing to be overwhelmed.

Silver,

2011-10-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

I just finished "Hector and the search for happiness" and it's making me feel all philosophical and stuff.

I get so embarrassed when I look back at myself. Like even right now, looking back on the past few months, all I can think is "why did you make such a big deal out of everything? It's pathetic"
But no, that's not right. Even though it all feels so distant and impossible from where I'm stading right now, I did feel Iike that. It may have been naive and childish but,when I get a little glimpse of that immense well in my insides, i realise that ive diluted my own memories. I guess that's the worst part of leaving something in the past, it's so hard to imagine how you could have felt so much then.

Muddled messy thoughts.

truths for me,

2011-10-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italicize the statements that you wish were true.
Leave the fibs alone.

I’m 170cm tall.
I don’t know what I want at the moment.
I have a tatoo of a star.
I still hang out with my ex, even though our break up was rather nasty.
I don’t believe in love.
I have red hair.
We’ll last.
I believe in long distance relationships.
I’m going to get high and smoke weed one day soon.
I still have a best friend.
I’m hot.
I love being in love
I know how to cook
I’m happy with what I have.
I love Apple Juice.
I can’t drink for nuts.
I think I’m fat.
I love my friends and family

The twinkling stars

2011-10-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

extract from my physics reference book

-light from the stars travel in straight lines through the vacuum of space

-when these light rays enter the Earth's atmosphere, they are refracted by layers of atmosphere of different densities. The densities of these layers of atmosphere are constantly changing, thus altering the path of the light rays.

-one moment the light rays are refracted in such a way that it reaches your eyes and the next moment they are not

-this produces the perception that the stars are twinkling.

-If one were to observe the same stars from space, they would not twinkle at all.

so the stars aren't my special twinkly friends after all. i hate physics.

Junk of the heart

2011-09-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning 4 minutes and 37 seconds before my alarm rang. The world was dark and blurry and everything was still. I lowered my eyelids and tangled my toes in the creases of blanket, it felt delicious. Everything started flooding back into my mind, and I picked them apart with the tips of my fingers. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out, the morning air tasted sweet on my tongue, fresh, unrecycled, new. I reintroduced my memories like carefully crafted stories to my mind.

Embedded dents from where my head laid all night, warm to touch and heartbreaking to leave. I thought of the day i was going to have, and of all the things that happened in the span of the last few day. I didn't feel sad, though there was a quiet warmth that spread down my insides.

You're being irritatingly melodramatic.

And then the alarm went off. All that in 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Get up now darling, the world beckons.

..
Weiann

2011-09-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

Grievances and all the things I shall miss;

.the feel of your arms wrapping around my waist
.watching the light filter between the leaves with your head on my lap
.butterfly kisses
.your face lighting up when you find me amongst the crowd
.the way my voice sounds melted with your's (we never did get to do that duet)
.sparks that run down my spine whenever your skin touches mine
.you smiling at me when I say weird things

These are my souvenirs.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

2011-09-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

You cant just make airy promises and fall short at the crunch time.
Am i holding on to nothing but heated whispers and misguided notions?
I give myself bruises when thoughts like this come to mind, surely I must have a little bit of faith?

But you're coming up dry and-
Who am I kidding?
Dreams are only beautiful when they don't come true.

Soldier on,

2011-08-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

Note to self:

you are treading on extremely delicate ground right now. Proceed lightly and cautiously. As of now, you don't even have the ties that were there to fall back on anymore. Expect the worst, be grateful for the best. This is the highest and the highs and the lowest of the lows, I don't know if you can take that. Sometimes you have to forget all precautions and help youself out, or you're going to drown in your own silence.
Take a step back and disengage before you get tangled in too deep

I'm worried about you.

Sincerely,
me.

2011-08-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

oh excuse me miss, but you seem to have left your mind in the clouds
OH GOLLY GEE GOVERNOR, YOU ARE MOST RIGHT, NOW DO COME IN FOR A TEA COSY WON'T YOU?
where is my head?

Divide and,

2011-08-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

he looked at me through the veils
and never turned away,
I couldn't see but I could feel
my thoughts in disarray.
his even breath messed up my hair,
our fingers intertwined.
and I thought "how lucky am I,
to be able to call you mine."

nameless faces pass without a word
we are all fucked up and confused,
I thought that I was enough,
what do we have to lose?

I can't get my mind straight
You say that you can't fight anymore.

conflict resolved?
divide and,

what now?

Hopelessly.

2011-08-05T00:25:00.001-07:00

well said Hilary Duff, well said.

First aid please.

2011-07-30T06:10:00.001-07:00

Oh mannnnnnnnnnn
(get a hold of yourself girl)

Misc;

2011-07-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

I just realized that it is very very embarrassing when someone actually reads your blog.

Dear KB,

~~I know you have your doubts, I have mine too, m~~
~~I'm unsure and I'm afraid and I don't know what the hell i~~
~~we're just kids who were lucky enough to meet each other, so no one is~~
~~the more we think about it the more w~~

~~I dont even know what i'm even trying to s~~

Hi there, I'm happy when I'm with you. Let's work for this.

x

Nuclear

2011-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

cry into my eyes
start the alphabet with z,

scissor my locks back to my scalp
draw red back from my nails.

we'd never meet,
we'd be safe.

Fever

2011-07-10T03:06:00.000-07:00

You've pulled me out of my dry spell, and I'm re-entering this world that's left me behind with blinking eyes,

I find myself needing to make serious choices, and any trace of innocent intentions drip away with the falling of sand grains. Its making me feel rather

Claustrophobic.

But what else can I do but ride the waves of this infatuation,
I have never found myself in a situation like this
With a situation like you.

Breaking the laws of sacred sisterhood and some other crap that no one cares about, I'm trudging deeper into this mine field.
I'm pretty sure someone has told me to never trust a boy with six strings in his hand.

But You talk as if it we are written in stone.

I'd go with my gut, but it's split two ways, swimming up my bloodstream and clouding my judgement.

Should I
Or should I not?

I'd be the last to know.

2011-07-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

12 days to the end

Won't stop

2011-06-27T03:49:00.000-07:00

I swear, it's you.

I'll just replay that entire day over and over and over and over again in my head. At this moment, these mental pictures are stuck in my head but I know that they will be gone if I don't see you again,

Please try to find me again. There might just be something here.

Here's to us

2011-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I care not for the world beyond my window
or for what is it that makes me breathe.
Past wars fought are but past wars fought and
what are numbers but calculations that we do not need.

I am just a kid
I don't know anything
about anything at all.
I am miniscule.
Insignificant.
I'm the most important person in somebody's life.

I care not for the world beyond the curve where the sheets of my bed fall
in pleats, in pleats.
Shivering toes cause an eruption as they meet the ground,
blankets in pools of white lilies,
inviting the devils into my idle mind.

We will live in an offshore village until I get bored
then we'll shine with the spotlights
blinding people that don't want to be caught up in our moment.
we'll be so happy we won't even try to be happy.
Here's to us having a good life

ah, what scattered thoughts.

weiann

Mad Season

2011-06-11T04:15:00.000-07:00

You crawl between my ribs
and breathe me in.
you don't want, you need
you can't leave without me,
you can't stay with me.

I doubt myself
I wonder if the stories have
diluted my heart.

But everything ends in death.
what is taken in
must be released.
nothing is really
permanent.

I'm blinking in the headlights
You're no where to be found

-weiann

She's so lovely

2011-06-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

I love the way she bites her lip,
I love the way she shakes them hips,
I love the way she makes me drool,
I think she's beautiful.

--

The Look
Sara Teasdale

Stephon kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.

Stephon's kiss was lost in jest,
Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
Haunts me night and day.

2011-06-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

Location, Location, Location
Gabriel Gadfly.

I could have kissed you
under cherry blossoms,
pale petals drifting down
like the trees wanted to
pretend they could be
snowclouds.

I could have kissed you
in the rain, drenched to
our bones and not even
caring that the skies
opened up above us
and tried to wash us out.

I could have kissed you
in a clearing in the most
secluded woods, with
just the sound of wind
rustling through the leaves
and a few voyeuristic
finches peeping at us.

Instead, I kissed you
in the parking lot of a
Waffle House, just shy
of 2 a.m. in the middle
of a hectic week, with
our waitress grinning
at us from the other
side of the window,
because, honestly,
how could I not?

Uncharted

2011-05-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

tell me that I'm young, that I don't make sense
cause I'm losing my mind to the thought of pretense
the air is filled with riot of the bad and undecided
we'll cover up our names with hearts crossed and lips red

tell me that I'm wrong, cause we're all to blame
that all the bridges burned will make sense one day
leave your letters, leave your tears
take nothing but your forsaken fears
and run.

--

i crave nothing but
a pulse beating next
to mine

2011-05-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

I don't want to grow old and see the people whom I've devoted my life to get on with their own lives, leaving me behind with their past, I don't want to have to watch my husband slowly die of old age, or to ever become that old lady that spends her days counting down the minutes to when her kid's next visit will be.

I hate watching my grandma confine herself to becoming nothing but a grandma, spending her days at home watching tv because of her bad leg. For me, age is even worse then death.

I'm young and I'm strong, But I feel weary and distraught. I'm spending my days fretting about my arm fats and my split ends, and I. Oh. I don't know. I'm desperate for something to look forward to.

Howlin' for you

2011-05-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

Currently in the midst of exams, so the brain has not been working very normally, getting up in the middle of the night for no apparant reason, dreaming about people that I haven't thought of for years and american idol finalists.

hormones going out of control (as usual) but i find myself sligtly more obssesively desperate than usual, can anybody find me, SOMEBODY TO LUBEEE?

--

in other less horny aspects, a very happy birthday to my best botak friend in the big round world, kevin loke. You've been appearing in the newspapers every other day, but please don't get anymore big headed than you already are, or i might have to kill you. But yes, our relationship is certainly a very strange, not bad in any aspect, but certainly strange. All i know is that if i need anyone to talk to, you're always there with unappropriate sexual comments and insults.

thank you for everything you stupid bastard

Ta-rah
weiann

Better

2011-04-25T07:28:00.001-07:00

he said

"we really are fucking stupid to let this pass by"

--

Bring it all into the light
Let me read what's on your mind.
I crave your thoughts
and sleep to your rhythm.

-weiann

cake

2011-04-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

--

someone tell me what
makes the unattainable
so damn
irresistable
?

the minutes they
they pass in threes,
walking hand in hand
in hand.
-
i want to have my cake and
make out with it too.
you'd be wise to stay out of this crossfire.

i thought that we
were supposed to learn from experience.
but it seems we're spinning ourselves dizzy.
going in circles around each other.

i'm dreading the day you realise
that you really don't need me at all.

but then again
you were never really ever wise when
it came to me.

weiann

Duet

2011-04-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

I'll let the good parts in, I'll let the good parts in.

Impasse

2011-04-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

Things that are relevant to my life;

Yummy blended fruit juices

America's next top model reruns

Matthew Koon

Harry potter

Roti bom tambah cheese tambah tambah cheese

The strokes

Red sneakers

Guitarists who make orgasm faces when they jam

And that's about it

Braille

2011-04-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

--

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
Sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
Thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

--

"I never thought that I'd have enough of your heart to be able to break it"

when the inveitable comes, it comes like the storm, leaving you to wonder how you could ever think that the sunlight would actually last.

Hang me up to dry;

2011-04-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

No one ever said that the cliches weren't true.

weiann

Inches and falling

2011-04-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

I love being in love,
I don't care what it does to me.

--

I don't understand people who say things like

When you don't expect things from anyone, you'll never be disappointed

Whats the point of going on if you always hold back? I know I don't want to live like that.

I'll love without reserve, I'll get hurt, I'll get better. But there is no point in loving if you don't give in to your own doubts and just let go. Sometimes you owe it to yourself to just surrender to the future and ride along with the what-ifs that will come.

Come away with me, and I will never stop loving you.

Weiann

Love

2011-04-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for english class. Puan Monica gave us the title "love". I wanted to write about a boy's love for the theatre but as usual my mind ran away from me, and before I knew it I had a lame ass love story. But here it is, and I'm proud of it.

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with her. It was a Friday night, there was a light drizzle coating the streets. I marvelled at her beauty, her elegance, and all at once i was hopelessly head-over-heels in love. The dancers flitted across the stage like poetry in motion, two of the performers held each other as they sang the last note of their duet in perfect harmony. As the last echoes of the song faded away, I found myself all teary-eyes and feeling as though my heart was about to burst out of my chest. That was the exact moment I fell in love with theatre.

No one knew about this secret passion, a teenage boy who cried when he watched performers dance and sing? I’d be publicly ridiculed. It gnawed at my insides every day, desperate to show itself. All I could do was let my fingers dance across the surface of my desk, playing imaginary music that only existed in my head. When it was time to apply for college, I nearly gave my parents a heart attack when I told them i wanted to go to a performing arts institution. They were shaken to the core by this seemingly sudden decision of mind, but they supported me nonetheless. This was when I knew that they could provide me a shoulder to cry on. I was accepted into the London School of Performing Arts, studying script writing and music arrangement. I always thought that I was different, artistic. But every single person there was amazingly gifted in their own fields, making me feel as insignificant as a little speck of dust floating around aimlessly in the universe. We had a performance night once every two moments, where the students had to showcase a piece of their own. The first performance night had me quacking in my boots. My music was so personal; playing it to the world would be like exposing myself. As I sat waiting for my turn, my insides turning to mush in anticipation, a girl with shocking red hair and eyes caked with kohl strutted on the stage like she owned the place. She sat on the piano chair, back erect and fingers posed over the keys, the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. And then I heard the most beautiful music I had ever heard. She has a unique, husky voice that melted perfectly with the piano accompaniment. Every trace of anxiety instantly melted away with the first chord, and I remembered why I was doing this in the first place. Music, and nothing else.

After the showcase was over, I stayed back in the auditorium, trying to work up the nerve to talk to the red headed girl. I sat there looking at my fingers, scolding myself for my wimpiness. When I looked up, I was staring directly into her heavily lined eyes. “Hi, I’m Raina.” She said, her eyes shining like the stars.

From there on, my days at the London School of Performing Arts just flew by. It was hard surviving there, scheming classmates doing everything they could to get to the top, pushing me deeper and deeper into my own self doubt. Raina was the only thing that kept me afloat. She was like a beacon of light when I was confused, guiding me with her insight. We worked together to create a play we would use as the final contribution to our graduation portfolio. We spent days in our room, working to the point where it almost drove us crazy to make sure we could finish it before the dateline. Slowly, it started to come together. Chords and melodies turned from thoughts to scores, from scores to the string of the orchestra. Raina was the lead actress in the play, hoping that this would get her some recognition from the talent scouts that were going to be scattered amongst the crowd. I remember opening night like it was yesterday, the anxiety backstage, Raina pacing to and fro, my fingernails bitten to a point of non-existence. The curtains parted as Raina stood alone on centre stage. The butterflies in my stomach were causing a whirlwind. The spotlight bounced off her skin, making her look like she was glowing. Her lips parted and a single note escaped, making the hairs on my arm rise. Even though I knew the song like the back of my hand, seeing and hearing her singing it on stage like that captivated me, my mind focused on only her and her voice, the emotion and heart of her vocals wrapping itself around me, stunning me speechless.
Before I knew it, the play was over. I heard the crowd rise to their feet in a standing ovation. I was pushed onto centre stage for the final curtain call, my knees turning to jelly as I took my final bow. I looked up to see a full auditorium of people applauding me, my work. I felt someone clasp my clammy hand; I raised my eyes to see Raina looking at me with the loveliest smile on her face, as she mouthed “we did it.”

After a while, most of the crowd had departed, leaving only a few scattered words in the air. I was smiling as I watched Raina jumping around, still high on the experience. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to face a middle aged woman, surrounded by an air of confidence. She asked if she could talk to me in private. She led me to a secluded area backstage, and we stood there in silence for a few moments. Her hard eyes scrutinized me from head to toe and flashed me a perfect smile. She said “I heard you wrote the script and music for that” I nodded. “It wasn’t perfect, very rough around the edges in fact. Repetitive lyrics, predictable chords, corny one liners.” My fists clenched as I felt a puddle of dread pool up at the pit of my stomach. She eyed my expression with an amused look on her face, and gave a sudden burst of laughter. “but you’re not like the other idiots I’ve met. You’re edgy, different. I like you. My name is Christina LeRoux,” my eyes widened at the mentioned her name, the plays she wrote showed for twenty years, and were still going strong. “And I’m here asking you if you want to be my protégé.”
I don’t remember what my reply, but it was something along the lines of “yes, yes, oh my god, yes” she laughed again, and told me that she would call me by next week. The hallways seemed to spin as I walked down them, I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I stumbled to Raina, when I saw her talking to a tall man in an all black suit, wearing his sunglasses although he was indoors. He was speaking in hushed tones, though I caught the words “that was very impressive”, “you’re certainly a heart throb.”, “New York City” and “great opportunity”. The expression on Raina‘s face turned from curiosity, to pure joy. She raised her hand to her mouth and said “oh gosh, I don’t know what to say. It’s such short notice but... okay! Yes!” they shook hands, his big veiny ones cradling her small ones. When the man left, Raina stood there beaming at me, looking like she had just won the lottery. I saw tears glistening in her eyes as she took a deep breath and said “he offered me a role. It’s in New York. I’m leaving tomorrow”

I drove her to the airport the next morning. The dark circles under her green eyes didn’t dampen her spirit at all. She was over the moon, bubbling with excitement in anticipation of the adventures to come. When I told her about the job offer that Christina LeRoux had offered me, she hugged me with such enthusiasm that I almost collided with an old lady. She sat back in her seat, cheeks flushed, and her hair in a mess as she said under her breath “we’re on our way.”I have never seen her look lovelier. When it was time for her to board the plane, the moment I had been dreading was here, staring me in the face. She gave me one last hug, and all I could do was hold her, stroking her strawberry scented hair. I closed my eyes and told her “you’re going to be amazing”. She pulled back and gave my arm a squeeze, saying “I’m going to miss you so much. I’ll write every week. I promise.” And just like that, she was gone.

Raina didn’t write. Well, she did, once. About a month after she left. She apologised for not writing sooner, explaining that she was being pulled under by rehearsals and such. I didn’t reply her, and I doubt she noticed. I was struggling myself, working under Christina wasn’t easy, and I had to put my shoulder to the wheel to make sure I completed the tasks that I had been handed. It was draining work, but I was in my element. The days when we sat in during the rehearsals were heady days, indulging myself into the way the voices and the strings just seemed to melt together and warm me up from the insides. The music and the rehearsals were the best part of my job; the worst was probably the actors. Leggy models that were but skin and bones screamed at the sight of food, all the actors seemed to be packaged with a six-pack abdomen, forever admiring their own reflections in the mirror. All these egoistical performers made what should have been my dream job a living hell. While I was giving an arm and a leg to try and get one of my plays picked up, Raina was shooting to stardom. They play had been a hit, and Raina‘s voice and pretty dace helped her climb the ladder of success. I remember reading the newspaper one day, and seeing her face plastered on the front page, a write up about an upcoming play. She looked the same, long red hair, petite frame. But something was different. Her usually sparkling eyes looked dead on the paper, like all that was left was an empty shell of a person. I scrunched up the paper and threw it away.

And then it happened. One day when I was proofreading the scores with Christina, she turned to me and asked “have you written anything lately?”I was stunned speechless. The only time Christina talked to me was to give me orders, or to criticize me, and more often than not, both at the same time. I nodded yes, and brought one of my scripts to her. I sat there as I watched her flip through the pages of my hard work. After what seemed like a century, she looked up at me and said “this is rubbish, but I can make it perfect. Let’s do this.”

The next nine months were the craziest of my life. Christina was the creative director and I was the producer. I was finally here, producing an on Broadway production. I thought that working on my graduation piece was hard, this was about a million times worse. Trying to project my own ideas and visions of what I wanted the play to be was like trying to jam into a pencil sharpener – impossible. But I was all worth it to see my ideas come to life. The world would soon hear the music that had been trapped in my head for all these years. About three months into the production, we had casting calls. Hundreds of people auditioned, but I couldn’t see the main character in any of them. And I knew why, none of them were Raina. The rest of the cast had been chosen, but we couldn’t start rehearsals without the lead actress. After another round of exhausting and unsuccessful casting, I had my head in my hands and my heart in my boots. Christina leaned back in her seat and let out a low sign. She turned to me and said “Just call her” I looked up and said “what?” A small smile played on her tight lips as she said “just call her”

And I did.

My heart raced in my chest as the foreign ring tone beeped in my ears. She picked up the phone and said with an obviously rehearsed tone “hello?” I said “Hi, Raina” there was a silence on her part, static crackling in my ears. A barely audible voice whispered “Marc? Is that you?” I smiled and said “you never did write, Raina” She let out a shaky laugh “only because you didn’t write back”

And she was here, just one phone call and she was here. When I offered her the part, she immediately said yes. I asked “don’t you want to hear what the story is about?” I could hear the grin in her voice as she said “no, as long as you wrote it, it’s going to be amazing.” It was so good to see her again after two years. She looked different, her usually flowing hair was cropped short, and her makeup looked extremely professional. But she was still my Raina, with her wide smile and sparkling green eyes. The days after she arrived were a big, happy blur. We spent hours just talking and I had to constantly remind myself to stop staring at her. But I couldn’t help it; it just seemed so unreal to have her by my side again. Rehearsals started without a hitch, and as I watched the members of the cast slowly weaving the stray ends together, I saw my dreams coming true right before my eyes.

In a blink of an eye, opening night was here. Somehow, all the pieces of the puzzle assembled themselves together. As our limousine drew up to the red carpet, my eyes widened. There was a sea of people that had gathered to watch the premiere. Light bulbs flashed in my eyes, blinding me. The paparazzi swarmed us as we stepped out of the car. I squinted against the light, disorientated. I saw Raina flashing a well rehearsed smile towards the cameras; she was used to this kind of attention. Big groups of people whom I have never laid eyes on before came up to me to offer congratulations, hugs, and pats on the back. So this is what the world of theatre is like. I tore myself away from the crowd to go and see Raina one last time before the show started. She was sitting in front of her dresser, staring at her own reflection. She smiled when she saw me enter the room, taking my hand in hers as I sat down. We sat there, her head on my shoulder, looking at each other through the mirror, trying to imprint this moment in our memories forever.

So here I am, sitting in this pitch black auditorium. Hushed silences fall as a crescendo of strings rise from the pit of my heart. The curtains part to show Raina on stage and it’s like I’m exactly where I was two years ago, an awkward college kid, marvelling at his own work unveiling itself before his layered eyes. There’s a feeling of peace in my heart as Raina gives me a little smile. The first not starts and my heart soars as I stare at the two things I loved the most in this big, big world.

weiann
2011

Someday.

2011-03-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

See, alone we stand, together we fall apart

--

Dear future weiann.
this is yourself writing on the 16th of march, at 10:11 pm. I'm just writing this to the future me, who is probably regretting what I just did. This is the him we're talking about. Sweet, naive him, that for some reason actually likes you after all that bullshit you put him through.

Dear future me.
Please don't hate yourself for what you did. It is the right thing to do, without a doubt. With all the dreamlike afternoons that will attack the moment your guard is down, don't forget what compelled you to do this in the first place. You can't force a feeling, no matter how much you want to. Of course you love him. You love him with every single nerve that tingles with time. But this kind of love is unexplainable. You love him as a being, you admire him for all the amazing things he does, for the way his thoughts weave, the way his eyelashes cast shadows on his cheek. This is me trying to explain it to myself too, that this is just not the kind of love that can make something work. It isn't fair to let it go on, just cause I crave his actions and his words and his company, while he just likes me as who i am, for everything that I am.

Dear future me.

All I can do is hope that he is beside you now, holding your hand as you read this. But if he isn't, don't blame him. He's already given us so much, it's a wonder he isn't bled dry already. Remember to always love him for all his alex-ness, all the awkward but somehow perfect words, the silent moments and the tender caresses. He is the one person that thought you how to love again, and he has brought you so, so far. Do you still remember what he said? We're together. And no matter what happens from here on, we will always be together. Even though I fear that I might just split into two right now, I take comfort in knowing that there will be a future me reading this, hopefully still in the company of a future him.

10 minutes

2011-03-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'll sing to the rhythm of your walk
As you write me a poem about my feet
Tell me stories of lost confessions
And how you love the back of my knees
Whisper above the thunder's cry
Tickle my earlobes with your breath
Confuse me with your good intentions
And gather all that is left.

Move with the sway of stupid wordplay
As i count our blessings on your finger tips
The only people who can hurt us are ourselves
It's rather sad, isn't it?

<

weiann, 14 march 2011, 12.11 am
I should start writing things that actually make sense

Modern girls and old fashioned men.

2011-02-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

but until then;

-weiann

Fade, into you

2011-02-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

I wanna take your breath away.

--

You and Me and everyone else
Laura Dockrill

I've bitten all my nails off again
it serves me right.
I can't pick pennys off of tables, file my nails or help to fish out splinters-
but in the winter I can wear gloves and never get the wool caught.
You love my fingers, my knuckles, my palms,
my elbows, my knee-caps, my shoulders and my arms.
You haul me up-keep me calm
like all-bran mixed in lucky charms.
Sweet. Keeping everything moving.
Now i'm getting like that jealous girl in school,
that leaves her bag and jumper on the seat on
the coach on the way to the swimming pool. I have
just got to sit next to you.
Ring you on a tuesday "what you wearing this wednesday?"
Swap laces, swap shoes, swap socks,
you get pizza, I get pasta, swap.
Drink from the same cup.
I want to go to your house, borrow your pyjamas-
Smell like you.
Get all curled up and awkward,
around that radiotor-do my spine in.
Wake up too early, whilst you have a lie in.
"can I use your toothbrush?"
Drink from your tap, let you make me laugh and then flop into you lap.
Eye up your mantlepiece and cut up cheese for you
into small squares and cook tea in the microwave
and make a mess and misbehave and never go away even
when we're making the other one a bit
CLAUSTROPHOBIC

I just wish that I could make us microscopic and
trap us in a snowglobe and set up home-without a way
out or even a housephone... let's stay in and eat this
out of date tolberone.
I want to use your mascara, pray we both get eye infection and sleep in you little room all day-and eat meaat and paint our faces.
I want us to be the spare set of cutlery-
two small teaspoons that everyone forgot about.
Sneak away to the back of the drawer and get found dusty. Out of use.
I want to get lost like two pages from an old second hand book-
from the yellow cracked spine,
24 and 26 we'll fly through pebbles to the sea-
and float away like secret messengers to an island that nbody can see.
See in this world it's you, me and everyone else
it's disgustingly ugly-but it's the trute.
Our chess board, we are the pawns for only
each other-you'll soon discover -
I'd lose to no one but you. My friend.
I adore you.

weiann

Someone Like You

2011-02-21T06:14:00.001-08:00

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
but i couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that
for me, it isn't over yet.

--

"It's okay to be sad. Be sad, cry. It's healthy to let go once in a while, a good cry makes everything seem a little better. But when you're done being sad, just smile. I'm always going to be here." he whispered.

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, warm hands, green eyes, this can't be very healthy.

These hard times

2011-02-20T04:00:00.001-08:00

Morning falls like rain into the city lights
There goes another night.

--

so I have this theory

You know there's this thing called the circle of life right? We lose people to the beyond, but at the same moment, someone is being introduced to life. It goes on and on and on, never ending, so there's always a sort of stability to the amount of people that are on earth. and even though we will cry when someone they love dies, even though we will ache and we will long for the feel of their skin again, that person will never come back. Of course they will always be alive in our minds, like some character in a book, but that's all there is. Nothing solid. We are all but stories in the end.

So that's that. But with everything else, it's a different story. When you write a book, or a song, or paint something amazing, it lives forever. It never dies, it is just rediscovered over and over again. When I imagine the number of books I haven't read, or the amount of songs that I didn't know existed, my head spins. But they are there. And the number will just grow and grow and grow, and history will just accumulate, stories stacking on top of one another.

Some people say that the world will end in fire, some say in ice. But I think that the world will end when it just cant withstand the amount of words and thoughts and voices anymore. One day when a music store is as big as house and the workers are wondering where to stick the new stock of CDs, everything will just collapse under the weight of itself.

we are all but stories in the end

You give me something.

2011-02-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

I was meant to tread the waters,
but now I've gotten in too deep.

---

Happy 100th post my dear friend.

Here's to another thousand together x

--

p.s.

I am an extremely happy fangirl

--

weiann

Hideaway

2011-01-26T05:18:00.000-08:00

Even the stars sometimes fade to grey,

--

how can I say this.
He isn't my boyfriend, yet he's always there for me. we aren't a couple but we're always together, and we love being together.
We don't make promises or obligations like always and forever, but this will last.

does that make sense to you?

I don't exactly understand I myself, but it works. Who needs labels and big dramatic vows when you have each other?

Today he said something that sounded just right, I'm with you. I'm with him and he's with me whenever we need each other.
He's my best friend, and he is with me, wholeheartedly. Everything else is dust by the wayside.

Lamps

2011-01-18T07:17:00.001-08:00

I've been dreaming about the wierdest things lately. Fortune cookies, cows, cows eating fortune cookies,
Hippies on trucks getting high on trucks and other just bizarre things. But when I woke up and as the fragments of my dream came back to me I just laughed about my insane brain. But the day I dreamt of you I woke up and.I just sat in bed trying to remember it all, going past the words and the thoughts and the colors and the feelings over and over again. You were Something that had been in my mind so constantly that you had actually set up a permanent residence there, and yet it was the first time you appeared in my dreams. And you were just so real. I thought I had forgotten how you looked like, only a little hint of your eyes left in my mind. But there you were, right in front of me. And even though you stood there wordlessly (sucking on a lollipop nonetheless), it was you. And I knew that if I reached out I would have been able to touch you, my fingers remembering your skin, would have held you and kept you there, never letting you go ever again.
I've heard a theory before, but knowing all the theories I've heard, it's probably shit. It was something like if a person appears in your dream, it means that some part or them is missing you, Maybe it's just Bon iver and st. Vincent getting me sentimental, and even though I am so, so happy to see you happy, that little hope that you, untouchable and so far away, actually thinks about me sometimes when you're doing that not sleeping thing you do. Even though I am but me, with little else to offer.

White Sky

2011-01-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

I test my bath before I sit,
and I'm always moved to wonderment.
That what chills the finger not a bit,
is so frigid upon wonderment.

-Samson Agonites

--

It's quite useless to try and describe sadness. When you want to write about something like that, the goal is to try and make the reader feel what you are feeling. But no matter how beautifully strung together the words might be, no matter how suitable the adjectives, the most you might hope for is sympathy.

So, I'm going to leave the tears as water, and not try to ferment them into words. But it's just wierd that buddy is gone. It's like the memory of him for the last eight years is so strong it's just imprinted on my vision, so that I am disilusioned to the point where I give myself a scare when I think I see a blur of his grey out of the corner of my eyes, only to feel that overwhelming lurch that comes like waves.

It's quite useless to try and describe sadness. But I'm just going to say this. This is like a scream you're trying to supress, only to have it leak out of every single pore of your body. The worst part is that the only man I have ever, ever loved is nothing but something in my head. Untouchable, slowly being diluted by time.

weiann

Snow (Hey Oh)

2010-12-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

Come to decide that the things I've tried
Were in my life, just to get high on.

You look back and you think, how did all that pass so quickly? You try to measure all 365 days in your palm, slowly counting and recounting all the moments.

Regretting
smiling
and sometimes
just remembering

--

Theres nothing much left to say, it's the end of an entire year, again. All I hope from this new year is that god will give me the will power to push through any obstacles that I may face, and that I will come out stronger. And that I will be blessed with new friends as great as the one I have made this year.

This year has been amazing, and there have been so many people who have made me laugh, cry, and cry with laughter. I am so grateful for you all. I'm not even going to talk about how fast this year passed, of all the things that I regret, and all the people I miss. I don't know why i am still so bewildered when a year passes so much faster than I had expected, you'd think I'd have learned that nothing is really amounts to what you expect. But once we realise that, we might just learn to be really, really grateful for everything that did happen, and for everyone who was there with us to experience it.

So thank you, whoever you are, for writing 2010 with me. I hope you all are well and that we will have another amazing year together.

weiann x

Raindrops

2010-12-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

Don't you know that I
Belong arm in arm with you, baby.

---

I've been pulling all nighters for the past month, reading the entire harry potter series. I have never really been a big fan of the book, but having read only the goblet of fire when i was 11, and not really understanding it. But I borrowed harry potter and the philosopher's stone from my aunty last month, and I have to say, wow.

Here i am, a month later, rereading the deathly hallows. I'm about halfway through it now, and I'm urging myself to read it slowly, cause I don't really want it to end. It's like when I'm reading it, the characters just surface from the page and I've stepped into a pensieve of memories myself, standing there watching the story unfold, being sucked deeper and deeper into this world.

And then I saw this picture, that just broke my heart. I love JK Rowling for this, the way she talks about these characters like they're her children, which, i guess, they are in a way.

I know I'm about 10 years late, but this is me saying thank you, JK Rowling, for creating the world of magic. Whenever I'm messed up and under the surface, all I need to do is close my eyes and mutter, "lumos."

Hey Julie

2010-12-15T06:34:00.003-08:00

Science of fear

2010-12-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

Wake up,
it's a beautiful morning.

---

The skies aren't as blue as i'd like them to be,

fingernails painted, and repainted in different shades of blood.

Foreign accents are just so sexy,

though i wish i didn't need earphones to hear them.

Twinkling lights on plastic leaved tress,

and in situations like this, i can't help but say ohmygiddygoddytrousers.

weiann

make you feel my love

2010-12-08T00:02:00.000-08:00

I could hold you for a million years,
to make you feel my love.

---

Today, I'm gonna talk about the things that I've been doing to prevent myself from setting my arm on fire, you know, just to relieve the boredom.
I know I don't usually do this on my blog, like talk about how my day went and stuff like that, but maybe it's time that I did?

for the past week or so i've been going to the courts to train for about 4 hours in the morning. Running (walking) 4 laps around the biggest assed field i've ever had the displeasure of setting my eyes on, then getting blisters from hitting the same drills over and over again, the same words running over and over in my mind, step in, close the racket face, bend your knees, follow through, move your damn legs woman. But then I have so much fun talking with my friends and whacking small (but extremely hard) green balls at them.

But when I'm at home, i basically spend time glued to the computer until my sister comes at yells at me that it's her turn now, and that I better get of the goddamn computer before she tells mom who exactly i went to one utama with that day. Well, either that or spending hours and hours and hours listening to new music blasting on the unreliable cd player that pmses sometimes and just shuts off when i'm about to enter my air guitar solo. And oh, the amount of books i've read. I think if i continue reading like this, I'll need glasses thicker than... i don't know. somethng extremely thick.

And of course, the one companion I have on the days where my sister is out and I realise just what a sucky social life I have since my sister is going out more than I am, is my buddy. I just like to sit on the stairs with head squished between my knees, staring into his hazel eyes and just talking nonsense. Some people may think the look in his eyes is a look of someone who is about to squished to death by some fat girl's knees, but no. That's just how he shows his love.

And oh, that picture is taken with the Canon 1000D that my uncle drove all the way from seremban to give to me. It's secound hand but, damnnn. It's a pretty sexy camera.

weiann
KUDOS TO YOU ALL!

Nothing

2010-11-28T02:53:00.000-08:00

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
That she'll listen this time, even though they're slurred,

--

It's just human nature to have something you can't have.

You've been there for so long, having to listen to all the times i told you about my stupid crushes and episodes. People were always satisfied with just a "oh, i'm okay la, just tired", but you always knew when something was upsetting me. Your green eyes searching me though you never asked if I was okay, just cause you know I hate that. But now I can feel you slipping through my fingers.
I've gotten so used to having you around, your number is the first one i dial when something happens, you could always deal with my moods. After all this time, you're finally able to pull away, and just because of that, I can't help but wanting you the way i never have before

weiann

Tell her this.

2010-11-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

I sometime think too much
by saying nothing at all.

--

weiann

Braille

2010-11-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

And she was listening to the sound
of heavens shaking
Thinking about puddles,
puddles and
mistakes

--

Static fizzles,
cracks and pops.

China, beijing
Day one.
5.11.2010

Quivering arm pulled across strings,
sound vibrated in air.
He sat across the streets alone,
eyes closed in rapture.
A tin can sat by his feet,
ignored by passerbyes.
While big vintage wheels rolled
over the street,
gravel crunching underneath her arms
wrapped around his waist.
And he stops-
his quiver paused mid-stroke.
And as though he awaits applause,
the silence hangs in the air.
his eyes open,
and the magic breaks.
He dips his head.
wraps his jacket around himself
and goes on his way.

Day Two
6.11.2010

Rickshaw sights:
we rode past
a row of bars,
Jamaican colours hung from the walls,
Bob Dylan everywhere.
People getting drunk,
in chinese.
Low buildings with
big characters in view,
grey agaisnt bright backdrops.
Dying leaves
leave in reds and yellows,
bitch-slap us on they're way.
All I see are
Black leather jackets.
Roads littered with cold.
Fur lined boots.
And fast spoken chinese.
Static fizzles,
cracks and pops.
Squinty eyes see all.

Day Three
7.11.2010

Imagine;
Stones from a few hundred
grandfathers ago,
lined up in a way
that never seem to stop.
Imagine,
walking down the same path
some ancient hero had
god knows how long ago.
Autumn brings dead fingers
threatening to break over.
Well planned tourists traps
don't seem to cease.
and even through layers and
layers of wool.
Cheeks turn red with
blastering wind,
hair wild as
static fizzles,
cracks and pops.
Posed smiles and
smiling poses.
are captured forever
as facebook never forgets.
Burning souls won't carry you far.

Day four
8.11.2010

Even when the white comes,
as do the styles for spring.
Drops keep dripping,
springs stay warm.
Holiday escapades for
old time warlords.
Now money making
tourist attractions.
Horny deers are stored away
far from innocent visiters.
And we pretend that tibetian drums
in crumbling temples
are like shooting stars.
Static fizzles,
cracks and pops.
giving an autumn kiss
just an extra twinge.
If only i had
someone for it.

November air is bitter.
The L word is for losers.
But i start to miss you,
baby, sometimes.

Day Five
9.11.2010

Noisy yellow faces
start to gibber
as the train shudders to a stop.
Oh my god,
his head is severed
clean of his body.
Oh my,
goodness me.
Bottled moisture stings
on cracked blue skin.
You're so far
yet closer than he's ever been.
I just.
wish taht you can be
the iris that everyone needs.
Static fizzles.
Cracks and pops.
Please let this be over;
I don't want it to be over.
When there is so much of it,
a life comes so cheap,
and a lie just goes deep.

Day Six
10.11.2010

Subway stairs
don't seem to end.
Even as the pandas
knock dead on
bamboo trees.
Paws swinging in the wind,
to the delight of tourists.
I see fair foreigners
one hand holding a camera
raised to capture stale minutes.
The other holding a little girl,
so different from them.
Unknowingly returning to her homeland.
Static fizzles,
cracks and pops.
Causing skins to flinch away
upon contact.
Shamed smiles,
can't help but surface.
They say that
people appear in your dreams
because they miss you.
What a sad little
hope to hang on to.

The last day;
11.11.2010

I find it rather wierd
that in this country
streets baking bread
smell like pee
and starry high classed hotel's
marble tiled bathrooms
smell like cookies.
I went to a place
where people like me
roamed the streets.
Drinking in the black and whites
and lightings of polaroids,
porcelian melted into
toothy soldiers
and pretty patterns
printed on notebooks.
Thought our words scanned in
italic script,
matted on bare walls.
I love this,
what my mom calls
sentimental bullshit.

We should not be
afraid of any flame,
but the one that burns
in ourselves.

I don't know why but
people tend to think that
the minutes stretch out longer
when they're on holiday.
But here I am,
seven days
and a muffin top later.
Lying in bed
watching low budget comedies
on tv.
in china.
Packing to go back to everything
i've left behind.
a lot can happen
in eight days.
You probably
don't even ache anymore.
Though i wish you would.
But then,
we can't force people to care
and everything sentimental is bullshit.
I have nothing to worry abbout
but how to burn
the carbohydrates this
sweet, sweet coca-cola
is leaving on my lips.
Goodbye, squint and
exhale.

weiann

I've got a notion that something didn't feel right;

2010-11-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

So why don't you care?

2010-11-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

I feel fine.

--

I know that you cannot be here

I know that you are not mine now

Looking out the window
At another window
I see toenails changing colours
Like the leaves of fall
If you often smile but often don't smile
Which do you do more often
Smile or not?

I dreamt hydrant was covered in snow
White light glowing below

I know that you cannot be here

I know that you are not mine now

Looking out the window
At another window

I see toenails changing colours

Like the leaves of fall

Lullaby - Regina Spektor

weiann

Good life;

2010-10-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Softly now,
you owe it to the world.
and everyone knows that you're my favorite girl;

--

All my 15 years, I've always looked up to artistic people, I've always wanted to be like them. All of us know that one person who can draw something that makes your eyes widen with a few messy strokes, that person who can sweep their fingers over the black and white keys and make you forget your surroundings with a few notes so simple and haunting. That person who can make your heart catch in your throat with just the right words on paper.

I am not especially talented in drawing, music or even writing. I do not excel in them, neither do i suck so bad it makes people die a little bit inside. I am painfully and sadly just adequate. So I sit there burning in awe as I can do nothing but bow my head in respect for those people, and though my ego will never allow me to admit it, I am jealous of them, of their talent.

I can appreciate art, my fingers reach out to touch the texture of oil on canvas in wonder, I cry when i listen to paper route's amazing strings, I sit quietly, unable to really do anything after I finish a good book. But I can't do anything about it.

I have all these ideas in mind. The perfect colours, the perfect lyrics, the perfect first line. But then, when I mix the blues and the greens together, the solvent turns brown. The chords sound wrong. The first line stays there hanging, unable to continue itself.

Now, I am here with my skin stained with paint, french music tumbling out of my speakers as I'm writing this. It's far from perfect, but I like it. I like how even though when I'm painting something, it ends up almost unreconigsable from what I originally planned it to be, it's still mine. I like how clash chords ring in my ears and how passages without over the top idioms or fancy english are comfortable.

I am perfectly adequate

And perfectly content with staying that way.

weiann

Feels like i'm falling;

2010-10-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

This is the way that we'll love,
like it's forever

--

you may not know this, but all i want you to do is
take me by the hand and
just sweep me away.

We'll borrow some brushes
and steal some red paint
or maybe black if we're in the mood
gravel will crunch beneath our very very
indie sneakers.

We'll dip our brushes into those tins
and watch the paint drip slowly.
and we'll paint the town,
our arms aching in the effort.

and then we'll be ambushed
the light filling in slowly.
we'll just stand there,
brushes in hand
clothes unwashable
staring at something quite beautiful.

weiann

Twenty years;

2010-10-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

Could I kiss you and make you a queen?
Or something in between

--

I don't blame myself for feeling so empty.

I just can't figure out what to do.

And the thing is,

I don't even want to try.

weiann

Easy tonight;

2010-10-18T00:54:00.001-07:00

She's in over my head,
and it's not easy tonight.

--

Things would be so much easier if we could just force ourselves to feel.
Imagine how many tears could be saved, how many screams subdued. I'm straining againts myself, everything's asking me to give in.

but i'm not going to.

She's so oh, oh, oh.

weiann

Animal.

2010-10-14T02:06:00.000-07:00

It's getting heavy and
I want to run and hide;

--

Deep breaths.
I think that maybe

you aren’t as amazing, as beautiful as i remember you to be.

everything is so dark and hazy in my mind.

maybe i think about you so much that

my mind exaggurates.

i only remember the good things, the things that made me

as addicted to you as i am now.

but if i dig deep, there’s something nagging at the back of my mind

telling myself that you aren’t as perfect

as i want to think you to be.

But i don’t regret anything.

I wish i could remember everything you said, everything that made

my heart beat irregularly and

every single detail of you face.

but then i think,

maybe it’s better that i don’t.

At the end of the day;

I’m happy I felt this way about you, and

I’m… okay, that we didn’t get a chance.

Because now you will remain in my mind like an artifact.

untouched.

and perfect forever.

-WEIANN

He lied about death;

2010-10-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

Here we go again,
I feel the chemicals kicking in.
And i'm afraid I won't be home tonight;

--

It's finally over.
I don't know what to do with myself now.

--
-weiann

Coffee and cigarettes.

2010-10-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

-weiann

Tounge tied and twisted;

2010-09-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Back beat, the word is on the street
that the fire in your heart is out;

--

Thank you for letting him be so strong.
I'm proud of you, fei zhu rou.

--

I've taken to saying a prayer before i sleep every night, eyes closed, hands clapsed together, lips murmuring words. It's nice to have somebody to talk to every night, just before i go to sleep. It's nice to know that somebody is listening to me.

Last night's prayer:

"He was smiling when i saw him, his signature smile on his face. but his eyes were red and swollen, i could practically see his heart straining in his chest. But I'm so happy. He's able to cry, he's able to smile at those memories, he's able to talk and reminisce about her. Please give them the strength to get through this. Please let them cry, let them be heartbroken, but eventually let them come out from this stronger than ever. thank you."

--

it's coming, it's coming. it's already here.
should i feel more prepared for this? should i feel like i have this is my hands? because i don't. but i think it's like this for everyone. we anticipate and anticipate, but when the real thing comes about, we're still standing there naked, still waiting for that preparation and confidence to just suddenly generate. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to feel any more prepared for it even if it happens six months later.

suck it up girl, and do this shit.

-weiann

Gotten;

2010-09-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

'

Do not make me think of him,
the way he touched your fragile skin.
It haunts me everyday

--

Day three

Eight ways to win your heart.

1) Be rather sarcastic, yet nice

2) give me secret smiles..

3) absentmindedly hum a the smiths song.

4) When complications arise, do nothing but raise an eyebrow in an extremely mocking manner.

5) smile at me when i say wierd things.

6) make me mashed potato.

7) be willing to not say anything when im crying and just let me wet your t-shirt.

8) make me a cup of hot milo on rainy days.

-weiann
Like i've never been gotten before.

Third Person / Naive.

2010-08-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

beyond the cheap colored lights;

--

The writing bug has bit me again. When I wrote this I scared myself. I seem to be writing very dark things lately.

--

Third Person. / Naive.

I’ve seen so many things.

Every form of human treachery has been performed in front of me, the unsuspecting inanimate object. The same mistakes are performed again and again, different faces, different voices; different intentions, different outcomes. They are so naive in so many ways.
I used to stand everyday in a barber shop. I was part of the shop that was passed on from father to son. Different faces would come at stare at me in the face all day long, brushing a strand of hair away from their faces, straightening their ties, as they make their way out of the barber shop and into the world. I stood there every night when the barber and his wife would argue in hushed tones, trying not to wake their children up, not noticing as their son and daughter sat hiding at the end of the stairs trying to comfort each other as their argument heated and they started to scream at each other.
I was there the day the lawyer laid the divorce papers on the countertop. The barber held his face in his hands as he signed the papers. The lawyer left, the bell ringing as the door opened and closed. The barber treaded with heavy footsteps to where I stood. He looked at me, at his own reflection, and whispered something that broke me.

“Please, don’t let her leave me. She can’t leave me. She can’t.”

I was packed and sent away to her house after the divorce was finalised. She asked him for the Victorian mirror that they had found on their honeymoon in Venice, and he couldn’t deny her. I finally saw light again when she pulled the sheets that hung over my head. She stood holding me by the sides, looking at the wooden carvings I carried on my head. Everything that I could see behind her was unfamiliar, it was a new house. The room was painted an ugly shade of yellow, nothing but a bed resided in it. The door opened and a man came in. She smiled at him through the reflection, and he hooked his arms around her waist. They stood there for awhile, admiring how they complimented each other. The door opened and a girl walked in, she was the daughter of the man that the barber was left for. The girl was strikingly beautiful, dark curls framing her big brown eyes. But her cheeks were sunk in, her arms stick thin. Her ribs showed through her thin white t-shirt. She was a skeleton of what a normal girl should be.
I ended up in that girl’s room. Every day she would stand in front of me looking at herself in her underwear, crying her eyes out. She clutched at the rolls of fat that only existed in her mind, convinced herself that she was ugly. I had to look into those haunted eyes every day. She would ask me in broken whispers why she couldn’t love herself, why she was killing herself. I couldn’t do or say anything, I’m just a mirror.
I will always remember the day when all hell broke loose. I don’t know the exact date, but it was a Wednesday and I could hear the raindrops beating on the glass panels next to me. She walked into the room, and slammed the door behind her. Something seemed different, no earphones blasting weird rock music stuck to her ears; she walked around her room as though she was an excited little girl getting ready to go to a party. She had a vacant little smile on her face, but when she turned to face me I could see that her eyes were blank and crazy, not a speck of sanity swimming in them.
She reached behind her and pulled out a big kitchen knife from the back pocket of her jeans. Her fingers reached up and traced the sharp edge of the knife up and down, her big doe eyes following her delicate finger’s every movement. Her vision then locked on her own reflection. She considered herself in the mirror as she lowered her knife. A broken sob echoed in that horribly painted room as she gently laid the blade of that knife on her stick thin wrists. I watched in horror as her fingers tightened around the handle, her eyes now squeezed shut. I wanted to look away, I wanted to scream, I wanted to beg her to stop. But all I could do was stand there and watch her shudder as a river of cranberry red blood flowed and flowed.

-weiann

A river's just a river.

2010-08-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

And i know;
it's only in my mind.

--

To : You

This is what I want to do. This is what I love. And theres no way in hell that you're going to stand in between me and it.

you always said that we should leave all our problems outside and just focus on what we have at hand. You can dislike me for whatever reasons you want, but leave it out of this, please. I've already been Prejiduced time and again, I just hope that you can respect me the way I respect you and take a step back, and, like you always say, look at the bigger picture.

From : me.

--

anyways.

heres the matter of time again. I think I spend so much time thinking about the future that I'm not even taking advantage of the present. August has but 9 nine days left before it gives way to September. 2010 has but 4 months left in itself to burn, before we're all at that position again, eyes raised towards the sky, waiting for the fireworks to fizzle, hearts tight with the promises of the future.

Please let it be over
I don't want it to be over.

Right now, I'm thinking of the future me, sitting somewhere thinking about the present me and cringing at the things I'm writing down this very moment.
I'll probably have a different face inked on my mind, a different name inked on my wrist, different songs inked in my mind.
but it doesn't matter, cause I'm so happy now.

thank you.

-weiann

[pictures from www.timyeo.blogspot.com]

Possesed.

2010-08-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

Possesed.
Something I wrote during the extra time I had after I finished my chinese paper.

--

He used to stroke my hair whenever i cried. He’d wrap me in his arms. One hand would stroke my hair; the other would be caressing my cheek. It embarrassed me, when my tears would flow onto his shirt, and how much his smell intoxicated me. His palms were rough like sand, an uneven stretch of skin plastered over his meat and bones. He was so warm, his big hands likes space heaters across my freezing excuse of a body, sending goose bumps down my skin.

Three months ago, he found out that I was using again. I was high by the time he found me sprawled along the bathroom floor. Half lidded eyes, shaking hands, white powder all over the filthy bathroom tiles. When he saw me, he stopped in his tracks. I could see his brain working, trying to understand what was happening, trying to understand me. He shook his head like he was trying to convince himself that he had had enough of me, like he was trying to shake free of all the binds that i had cast on him. He wanted to be a perfect normal family. House wife, smell of pie baking in the oven, polo tees. It was killing me. I laughed when I saw tears gather at the tips of his eyes, a sick disgusting laugh of someone possessed. He turned his back against me and went out the door.

The last time I saw him was three months ago.

Now I sit in a dark room. There are no lights, and the cold is eating into what little meat hangs off my bones. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what happened to me, all that I know, is him. I feel something in my hands; I lift it closer to my eyes. The first thing I notice are my arms. Are these my arms? They’re nothing but bones and skin. Mother used to tell me that I had beautiful arms, dancer’s arms. What have I done to myself? Then I look into my hand. There’s a clear packet filled with white powder. I feel bile rise in my throat, I resist the urge to vomit. My brain tells me to lift it up, and throw it into the corner. But no, that’s not what I’m doing. I tear a hole in the bag, and with the last ounce of my strength I tip its contents into my mouth. I want to cry out in relief. I tilt my head back and it’s almost like I’m where I was three months ago. My knees folded up into my chest, my arms wrapped around myself as I rock back and forth. The same horrible laughter tears from my throat, the tears don’t seem to stop.
-weiann

Such lovely polka dots and stripes.

2010-08-15T02:14:00.000-07:00

Hey

You

Yeah you

It will be forever;

2010-08-15T01:20:00.000-07:00

when i feel that you feel that way too;

--

It's raining now. Heavy raindrops are beating on the window, leaves are being thrown around silly by the wind.

The roads are littered as always, wierd smelling liquids sink into the tar road. But then the skies open up and wash away everything, all you can smell is the metallic smell of rain. Paper cups flow with the drain water into the unknown and out of sight, the walls of houses refreshed with a layer of moisture.

Broken promises linger like a bad aftertaste. Maybe I should just stand in the rain and let it wash everything away.

-weiann

I know it's over.

2010-08-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate.

--

Let's get this straight.

The universe stretches over millions and millions and millions of lightyears, and is still constantly expanding.
Somewhere in the midst of all that dark nothing is the milky way, one lame little galaxy, small in comparison of those huge stars floating around.
And in the milky way, there is the sun, which is only a mediocre medium sized star that won't even explode when it dies.
And the third rock from the sun, yes that blue and green-ish round thing, which is 300 times smaller than the sun, that's the earth.
And if you were to press the zoom button on that satelite about a thousand times, you might just be able to see a wierdly shaped piece of land amogst the sea, and upon flipping through a encyclopedia, you'd realise that that is Malaysia.
Now, if you'd dwell even deeper into the bottom left of this land, you'd see kuala lumpur, and even deeper still, maybe you'd see Damansara Jaya.
If you're commited enough, scout the houses for number 30, on the SS22a/2 road, and if you're lucky, you'll find a brown house.
Now, put on your X-ray goggles and peer into the second floor, and you'll see me, in my oversized t-shirt and stuffed up nose, with only a box of tissues as company, realising that we are all so amazingly insignificant.

-weiann
To die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die.

2010-07-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

the exit sign's always in my mind
it's always in my sight

-

I'm so scared
trails are coming up in 17 days, 6 hours, and 57 minutes.
this is the exam that decides you future, you don't score, you don't get enough a's to get into the class you want, tough luck, no second chances for this.
i keep trying to psych myself up, study please, concentrate, you know how important this is. Study, dont dream for goodness sake. Concentrate.
I want to do well this term, I want to be proud of myself, I want my parents to be proud of me, I want all my classmates to stare at me in disgust when i get straight a's.
come on weiann. you can do this. you WILL do this.

-weiann

Forgive me if I'm young.

2010-07-20T03:20:00.000-07:00

Hello world,
hope you're listening.

--

I feel so funny now.
I wanted to say so much to him, but everytime I put something in, it sounded wrong and unsuitable in every possible way, all these thoughts ran through my mind; I miss you, I hope with all my heart that you're doing fine, think of me sometimes, be happy. I typed, backspaced, retyped, then backspaced these words over and over again, feeling like something inside me was being shoveled over everytime i pressed the delete button.
It's not really normal to put these things on a birthday text is it?

in the end, all I could come out with with some sad, hollow wish.

hey, wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it? haha, anyways, happy birthday :)

It's amazing how everything that was trying to push itself off the tip of my fingers and into that text message could be amounted to that.
But I hope that he won't be able to hear the desperation and sadness in that one line that rings true.

hey, wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it?

Be happy, please.

i need another story
something to get of my chest
my life is kind of boring
need something that I can't confess.

-weiann

whenever your world starts crashing down

2010-07-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

god save your soul and your broken bones;

--

I want to run.

I want to put on my socks, tie my shoelaces, kiss my dog goodbye, open the gates and just run.

I don't want to stop, I don't want to think, I'll dodge the honking cars while sprinting across the street.

I'll drink in the astonished looks of passer-bys, I'll ingore my protesting muscles, my feet will meet the ground in time with my breathing.

I want to feel everything slip off my shoulders, I want to know how it feels like to be burdenless, weightless. As the last drop of concern evaporates, I'll smile at the sun's skin damaging rays through squinted eyelids.

I want to feel that overstretched feeling you get in your heart when you think about the people you wish actually still existed in your life, not just your mind. And I want to be able to cry, shamelessly, but at the same time, not regretting anything.

I want to run.
I want to be free.

On a certain bright sunny day, when I would just be running in that steady tempo that i had been keeping for all this time, I want to be able to be able to look at the sky and be amazed by what I see. I want to have my breath taken away. I want to feel my feet gradually slowing down to a stop, and I crave to hear the tar roads crunch beneath my sport shoes. Knowing that sentimental idiot side of myself, I might just close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of the wind in my hair

What it would be like to be able to just run away from everything once in a while.

-weiann

good times for a change;

2010-07-06T05:37:00.001-07:00

Hello duckies.

fashion is just another form of art.
though much more tempting.

-weiann

Maybe when I'm sober;

2010-07-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

Second star to the right, and straight on till morning.

--

Somedays, you can feel this bubble of anger rising up your chest and you know that if you lose even a fraction of that concentration that's building up in your head, you might just scream. The worst part is probably that even though theres a sea of people surrounding you, you can't possibly utter a word of this, because they would just stare and you with a look on their faces that scream "you're so worked up about THAT you spoiled brat?"

Suck it up, clench your fists, squeeze your eyelids together so tight that it's quite impossible to remember how sunlight feels on your skin. Count to three, and just think to yourself

Happy things, happy things.

-weiann

your bubble gum tounge

2010-06-29T03:34:00.000-07:00

tell it like it is :D
-weiann

what can a love song provide?

2010-06-19T07:35:00.001-07:00

light up, light up.

---

Here's a recap of my Bali trip, in the strips from a little notebook i've been scibbling in the whole time I was there, and some pictures too, just for you :)
The notebook ramblings are italic-ised whereas the bolded words are just me being bored.

here goes;

--

11.6.2010 ; Friday ; 10.06 pm

home.
I can't wait to get out of this country.
It's so amazing to say that after ages and ages (and ages) of waiting for the hollies to come, I'm very very desperate for some boredom relief. At least we'll be able to jet (well, MAS) off to Bali tomorrow. Where hopefully we'll be able to discover our inner artists.
hahahahahahahha.

I'm bringing with me "The Fit" by Philip Hensher, and probably some other book to this supposed place of traquility (and also apparant amazing nuts. oo-er) but I guess I'm going to have to spend most of the flight watching random movies and eating free food.
Free food oh yeaaaaah.

ANYWAYS.
you are going to be my little scrapbook of smallness for this trip, and I know you're probably confused about your identity right now. You started out as a guitar chord writing book and now you're a diary scrapbook thing? Live with it. I already packed my scissors and glue.
which are totally gangster.
JAAA <3>while we were at the airport, we saw these HUGE BIG-ASS chupa-chups. they were like 50 bucks each. very cool.

3.25pm
the ariplane

we're just off to our wobbly start where the plane is being all wobble to the left, wobble to the right and so on. When I heard that we would be boarding a MAS plane, boy was I hyped up. Free movies and in flight games! But apparantly a 2 hour and 40 minute flight is not good enough for that so boohoo. I'm writing this with my back bent over and my face so close to the seat that if I sneeze, well yeah.
anyways,

enough of that, the plane is picking up speed now, as John Legend serenades me with his amazing voice. I feel like I'm sinking into a pool of warm chocalate everytime he slips into that amazing falsetto. Raindrops from the earlier shower slide down the window pane like tears and... ooh. something smells like wanton.
the plane is throttling up, and it feels like it's going to release a huge butt burp.

3.40 pm
DUDE WE ARE MOVING REALLY FAST

3.42 pm
Taaaake off! :D

3.43 pm
the plane is still being a bit lurchy. We're somewhere among the clouds now, as I look down to those idiots on land. (hi idiots) Everytime I see an airplane flying low in the sky, I always wonder where those people are heading, who they're going to meet, what memories they will make. I wonder if anyone's looking up at us and wodering the same thing. I just looked out the window and oh my goodness we are quite literally flying with the clouds, they are so white and fluffy.

I wonder what clouds taste like?

5.00pm
still in the airplane

I took a nap for a while, and when I looked out of the window, I didn't know if the vast beautiful shade of blue was the sky or the ocean. I remember reading a book called 100 reasons to be glad yesterday when I went out with Alison and her family, and one of the entries were 'the sea'. When I saw a little ship that, from a few hundred feet high in the air seemed a little plaything with it's steam billowing out with gay abandon, I had to agree.

When we were nearing Bali, it was dark already, and there were some floating light thingis on the sea that just took my breath away. They looked like stars playing on the seas.

6.13 pm
Bali

We've landed for about half an hour now, and we've been stuck at this light for a good 8 mintues, next to a really massive statue of a Hindu god at battle on his horses. We've been moving bit by bit so I've been able to see the statue from almost all the angles, while Hayley Williams belts out her confessions. The car's lights are busted so excuse my uneligible writing. The statue is a beautiful marble white, with the Hindu god perched on a herd of horses mid-stampede. He's standing loud and proud with a spear in hand, getting ready for the kill as his enemy draws back his bow and arrow. It's quite spectacular. Well, I will stop now since I really have no idea what I'm writing as sadly, I do not have night vision like Batman.

6.22 pm
It is quite spectacularly hot

9.45 pm
Alam shanti hotel
I feel like we're deep in the wilderess right now. We had to drive for about 10 minutes into the jungle to reach our hotel and then another 200 meters past the paddy fields to our house-villa-room thing.

Now, me and lynn and ma are sitting on the bed under the mosquito net that falls in ripples that cascade from where it hangs high above our heads. The way it pleats into itself reminds me of a ballerina's skirt swishing like moving poetry as she twists herself into art.
ANYWAYS. we're picking tomorrow's breakky from a menu. Lynn is shouting in distress of deciding whether to have her eggs scrambled or fried.
I feel a little bit like a princess now.

13.6.2010 ; Sunday; 10.37 am

that was one hour of vair vair furry tigers.

I had such a wierd wierd dream last night. We decided to play tennis, and when we went to the courts we saw coach thomas, kevin and aaron. The wierd thing was that all ofus were in Bali. Aaron was screaming as he hit the balls everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Then somehow I was at KFC with Yane, and so was he with a bunch of his jock friends. And he had an afro. I wonder what my brain is trying to tell me.

10.01 pm
the hotel

Just came back from a vair vair delicious dinner, the pork ribs were ballisticus-lly good.
we went to a holy water spring today, where there were tons of people waddling around in the nuddy-pants. It was so cool to see a whole row of people meditating with rose petals scattered at their feet.

Lynn and mum walked into some kind of bathing area and saw this ladies nunga-nunga's floating like to giganticullus... floating things. And... oh gosh this is some good tea. The hot steam wafts up and fogs up my glasses as I tip the cup to my lips. The tea seeps through my lips, spreading across my tounge and tickles my taste buds.
Yum :)

14.6.2010; Monday; 9.33 am
The van

we just got up from the monkey forest where there were loads of monkey mummies carrying their babies on their bellies. It was so sweet but dear god, I am so itchy now.

10.00am
Lynn smeared tiger balm all over my face. It's on fire right now and I can't open my eyes.

10.30am
what I can't seem to understand is why there are so many penis shaped things here. Key chains, bottle openers, you name it, they penis it.

8.30pm
hotel
Lynn is sitting in the bathtub screaming some obscene things that I will not mention. but who cares. I got a new dress :D

15.6.2010; Monday;
my eyes are droopy. My limbs are aching and my butt hurts. We basically spent the entire day in the car going from place to place and stopping to get something occasionally. We went for this ultra posh dinner, so we gussied up and drove for about 45 minutes to Seminyak for dinner. There was this huge tree outside the restaurant and it had beautifully lit up lanterns swaying from the branches, illuminating the dark night with lovely pastel colours.

The dinner was expensive beyond belief, but oh my gosh the food was good.

On the long and tired journey back, all I could do was kick back, stick my earphonees into my ears and close my eyes. It was when I was half asleep and listening to Sting's amazing voice that I realised the best songs arn't the catchy ones, the witty ones, but the ones that make you fall a little bit more in love with them every time they play over in your head. For me, hallelujah. These songs are the ones that have thankfully withstood the sands of time and touched my soul
anyways.
watching south park now. Craving for hotdogs is strong.

17.6.2010; thursday; 12.45pm
The plane
yesterday, we went to the beach, and we played in the seas like fools when these german people cam frolicing and skipping (i kid you not) down the shore, and started taking ridiculus pictures of themselves. When I saw this, I had a giggle fit to end all giggle fits which resulted some very stern stares from them. Do not mess with germans
Then sometime in the evening, we went to this amazing surfing beach called "dreamland" or even "surfer's paradise". By the time we reached there, we had just missed the sundet but the clouds were such a lovely purple-red colour. The waves towered so high before they came crashing into the shores. Silhoette of the surfers having the time of their lives etched upon the waves, their hands outstretched like they were about to take flight.

anyways.
I'm sitting in the airplane now, on my way back home. And I'm quite happy about that. You see, for these past few days, I've been having the worst case of the cosmic horn ever. What is the horn you may ask? Well that's for me to know and for you to wonder about but never find out. lalalalala. I can't wait to get home and see a certain big handsome hunk of meat :D
toodeleeedooo :)

--

That is the end my duckies. Right now, my eyelids are so heavy that I can't even make a witty comment about them. Have a nice night. Morning. Whatever.
May your nungas always be poised and ready for battle.
Lovessss.

-weiann

Smile and say, yes I think we've met before.

2010-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

Live through this, and you won't look back.

--

at times where the world seems to be spiralling out of control, all you have to do is take a deep breath and think;

-weiann

Of star-made shadows round

2010-06-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable.

--

This jealousy thing is very very sad.

These past two days, I have had anger bubbling up inside me which I guess people would call jealousy. But if I had to put it into words (which I will), I'd say that it was more of an sadness that just ached at my core and felt like it was going to rip it's fugly (yes not just ugly, but fugly) head out into the open. The only i thing I could do was to keep quiet and concentrate on keeping the hot tears that stung at the sockets from spilling over. If anyone had said more then an "are you okay?" to me, I don't know if I would be able to keep those little idiots at bay.

It's quite amazing how much this jealousy thing affects a person. They stoop to unimaginable lows just to regain their egos. For me though, I'm just shocked at how emotional I got, and I wasn't even "having the painters in" or anything.

I always wonder if everyone in the world feels the exact same way, cause it's so hard to imagine someone having to experience shit like this on a every day. I really like to ask you how you cope with having to see everything you want just unrulling in front of you, taken by someone else that doesn't even really want it. I just feel like grabbing their faces and shouting "HELLO. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I'M RIGHT HERE. WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER. STOP BEING SO CRAZY OVER HER AND JUST LOOK AT ME."
or something like that.

-weiann
It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time when I see you two so happy together.

Look up ;

2010-05-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

When you talked all night,
I didn't think, I imagined.

--

It's the birthday month again.

Here's a post dedicated to all my friends who came out of their mom's privates as a very ugly screaming baby this month. I love you guys :)

Bob.
4.5.2010

She's been my best friend for the past three years of my high school life, and I don't know how I would have gone through them without her threaths to squeeze my tofus until they burst. She is alot of things, she's a student, a sister, a daughter, a nerd, and my best friend :)
I don't really have much to say about her, cause there's nothing left to tell her that I haven't told her already. But one thing she must always always know is that I love her :)

Carmen Choong Wai Lum
15.5.2010

This is another friend who is was lucky enough to have since form one. We've been through alot together, and she's helped me go through all the fickle things with her level minded-ness. She is so amazingly supportive and trustworthy and I can't thank her enough for everything she has done for me for these past three years.

Happy birthday and I love you :)

Timothy Yeo Sir Jun
24.5.2010

Aah. Here he is. Timothy Yeo Sir Jun is a very very important person to me. He is my honounary not-so-gay friend, my ho, my left boob. We haven't known each other for very long, but I'm sure that this friendship will last a lifetime. Sadly, this idiot is going to leave for Sri KL next year, making me, the girl who cried watching Bolt, superdog, all by my lonesome without a homosexual buddy :(

Timofag means more to me than he will ever know, even though he is one perasan bastard. My day wouldn't be right without a squeaky "HEY BOOB" to start it. I LOVE YOUU :)

hell yeah he gets two photos. be as awesome as him and you get one too :)

Sherwu.

Here's a guy who's (apparantly) fat, brown, has a huge nose, a cina apek accent, but is still able to be one awesome (and sexy) beast. He's been a big part of my life, especially when we got grouped into the same class this year. He's a lot of things to me, he's my pandangan harian, cause you can't really not stare at the only blue glowing thing that's sitting right in the middle of class, he's my singing buddy, my fellow nerd when it's needed, he's my supposed boyfriend, he's the big fat brown gay to not only me, but all the noses. I love you :)

ah heck, i love you all.
-weiann

I can't do this alone;

2010-05-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hold me now, cause I need you to guide me to safety

--

9 Things about weiann that you may not know, may not even want to know, but should know anyway since you're almost done reading this extremely long title.

1) I love potatoes.

Mashed, baked, frenched, boiled. you name it, i love it.

2) I cry everytime I listen to right here waiting by Richard Marx.

I dont know why, i just do.

3) Elephants are my favriote animals.

gosh that is one cool picture.

Anyways, elephants make me cry. They are animals that can die of heartbreak and they have amazing memories. I once read somewhere that a recording of an elephant's dead mother was played back to it, and the elephant cried out, searching for it. How amazing is that?

4) I like Aaron Johnson. alot.

You probably know this already. Yes, i know that he's engaged to a woman twice his age, and has already knocked her up. But I look beyond that, I look beyond his current fashion fails ( Curly beehive hair and moustache wtf). I mean, look at his face.

5) I've watched every episode of friends at least twice.

they rerun it and rerun it and re-re run it on starworld over and over again, but somehow I can't resist abit of chandler every now and then.

6) I once had an Iphone

Yeah, you know when you see some bald super cina apek dude who is barely able to walk, and you go aaw, i feel so sorry for that dude. Then suddenly, he whips out an iphone from his pocket and starts playing taptap. Suddenly, all pity is replaced with anger, hatred, and pure jealousy. You give him a glare that should be able to bore holes into his bald-ness but all he's doing is sitting there, tapping at his thinamaging like an idiot. I used to be one of those people.

7) I lost my Iphone.

You probably read that line, thought it was like any other line and just continued reading. Then 2 secounds later suddenly realise what you just read.
YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING IPHONE?
the answer is yes.
and I blame it entirely on cecilia ooi shu qing, asking me to go to cotton on where some very very lucky person wouldve picked it up.

8) I can do a double backflip.

that is a lie.

9) I can't touch my toes.

haha. and you thought that I could do a double backflip.

weiann

2010-05-02T07:11:00.001-07:00

I'm a picture without a frame.
A poem without a rhyme.
A car with three wheels.
A sun without fire.
I am a gun without bullets.
I am the truth without someone to hear it.
I am a feeling without someone to feel it.
This is who I am.
A mess without you.
Something beautiful with you.
Via : I wrote this for
you.

It's been so long since I've had a crush. Like a full blown meaningless, giggle filled, just for the fun of it crush.

Yan er and Clarisse roll their eyes as they see the dreamy faraway look on my face and I feel myself flush as I smile and say "EH. I can't help it larh, he's just too cute"

After all that DRAMA, it just feels so good to be able to doodle his surname behind my name without expecting anything, feeling my lip tug upwards as an adorable thought of him comes into my mind, and know that it's just temporary, and feel absolutely nothing.

I forgot just how fun this was :)

weiann